It’s a cigar…It’s a comet…It’s an alien?

According to Harvard researchers, a cigar-shaped interstellar object discovered by Hawaiian astronomers last year could be a “fully operational probe sent intentionally to the Earth vicinity by an alien civilization.” They are calling it Oumuamua, which I’m pretty sure means holy s#%it in Hawaiian. Because of its unusual shape, acceleration patterns, and other “various anomalies,” scientists are guessing it could be a solar sail, some space junk from a broken alien ship, or maybe even internet clickbait. Since the news broke, there’s been a noticeable uptick in Ou Muama jokes (Ou Muama is so alien, she eats soup with the Big Dipper), as well as a veritable tweet-storm from skeptical scientists calling the study flawed and outlandish. One Canadian scientist even went so far as to say that he is “distinctly unconvinced,” which is like a ten on the Canadian Outrage Scale. Local scientist, Dr. Frothy Brewe, claims that he knows exactly why aliens haven’t visited our solar system yet. “They looked at the reviews… we only got one star.” To get to the bottom of the story, I conducted a thorough, completely scientific survey of the dozen people sitting at the bar last night. The consensus is that Oumuamua is either a Tesla-type car sent into space by an eccentric alien billionaire (let’s call him Elon Moumuamusk), or an alien tap handle for Ho’opakele IPA (That’s Rescue IPA in Hawaiian, folks.) Anyway, check out the photo above and decide for yourself.

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